When Worship Becomes Work!
My prayer time is precariously perched on a high hill;
A gust of worldly wind and it gets toppled down with a heavy thud.
But, I push myself and I push myself hard(exaggeration);
to pray a little more, to pray a little longer.
But the mental sounds of my mind are too strong,
What about the unattended tasks at hand?
Do I've enough time in hand, to waste my time on God?
Now, my prayer time comes under serious threat.
So, unless I turn my prayers into a "must-do task", I figure, it would be least/or never attended to at all.
Prayer time! Hardly time! So, I've chosen the most pathetic time to pray (and, I 'm pretty stingy at that, just 15min). When half the world is in deep slumber and when I too am groggy with sleep, its time to turn my attention to God.
I kneel down. My knees give away. My mental and physical stamina has exhausted. So, with one hand on the bed, and the other precariously holding the prayer book, I push myself on my knees, try to retain somewhat of my physical and mental balance; and I start reciting my prayers with great reluctance.
"Why am I punishing and pushing myself to pray?" you might wonder. Simply because prayers keep me sane.
Keeps me sane,
Keeps me grounded,
Makes me more human,
Makes me generous,
Makes me charitable,
Makes me kind,
Makes me humble,
Makes me prudent,
It's a medicine to my misery
But, in the recent years, my prayers have lost intensity. But believe me, I don’t blame myself for this. When you are a busy-body - a full-time employee, a part-time mother cum tutor, a some-time wife, and anytime reader - how on earth do I find some meaningful time for my daily prayers.
Prayers are a gateway to heaven, people say. Granted. It gives peace to mind. Agreed. But where's the time? Half way through the rosary at night and I am not sure whether I am sleeping or praying. My 15 min of prayers start and end in a jiffy. Half of my Lord's Prayers and Hail Mary’s go unsaid. The ones said are lost half way. At the end of it, I ruminate about the emptiness of this whole exercise. But 15 min means 15 min for me - b’coz my heart is willing, but flesh is weak.I hope God will understand. He forgives and forgets, and so he is called God, the Almighty
But, I fear his wrath. For I believe - no prayers, no blessings. Don’t you think a life bereft of blessings will be a curse? I already have a list of must-have blessings in place. I know, only through soulful prayers I could convey them to God.
But where's the time to pray? Only if God understands.
Without a doubt, only a marathon prayer session is a way towards blessings - this is my belief, many might not concur with the same philosophy. For most, prayer is helping the poor. For most, prayer is visiting the sick. For most, prayer is all about adopting an orphan and giving a new life. For most, prayer is spending time with the old...the list goes on and on and on. But tell me one thing, from where to we get this mindset from? This humble, generous mindset. I believe it's through prayers. No, no, one's doesn't have to follow a strict schedule for that. Just remembering his name is a prayer in itself.
But for me prayer time is self-analysis, soul-searching, meditation time and all. A time to dwell on my behavior and to better myself. And, I missing on it big time.